This weekend I was talking to a friend about work and she said that I should go hand out résumés in the mall, cause they are always asking for people to work there. She also said, as a person who worked there, that I should put on a dress, high heels, some eyeliner, mascara and lipstick and do it.
I thought to myself “In what world do we live on that I have to sell my image to my employees? I will not do it, I will not “sell my body” just to be hired by someone I don’t like (because lets be real, working in the mall is like girls in high school, there are popular girls everywhere and they judge you by you’re appearance), NO, I will not put on some stupid dress, some stupid boots and some stupid makeup and do my stupid hair. NO, i will not do it!!
Except I did, but not quit that way. Everyone who know me knows that I don’t wear dresses or put makeup, heels on the other hand I love and try to wear them whenever I can. So the closest thing to what she said I should wear was high heels off course, pants, a pink shirt and a black blazer, oh and makeup off course (but nothing fancy).
I gave it a lot of thoughts. My friend (who is not that friend, btw, she’s more like an acquaintance) is always saying that I should go give my résumé in person, I never listened to her off course, I thought to myself
“NO, I can get a job without having to give my résumé in person, I can do it by email”. But a year went by and I still have no job, so I thought “what a hell, it can’t get worst than this.
A normal day to me is falling asleep between 4 and 6am, wake up between 2 and 4 pm, eat breakfast, look for a job and send some résumés, see whats new on wordpress and go to my boyfriend’s place. Yesterday was a bit different because today I was going to hand handle my résumé today. I was pretty confident about this but as the day went by I started to over think things and it all went down the drain. I had all of these feeling yesterday and continued through today. I started feeling nervous but then I thought “there is nothing to be nervous about, stop this right now”. Then I started second doubting myself “what if they don’t want my résumé? what if hey don’t lime my outfit? what if they look at it and start laughing?”. With all these questions in mind I started feeling anxious and when I feel like this my sleep goes to hell, so I just stood there in my bed looking at nothing, staring into the black of the night until i fell asleep
“I need to sleep, what time is it? OMG, its 6am, I really need to sleep now!… what time is it? oh, its still early I can sleep a bit more…”
“It’s today!Yeay.. OMG its time! Ok, ok… It’s fine, it will be fine, don’t be nervous if they say NO fuck them its their lost, you hit rock bottom, worst than this you can’t be, just put on pants, high heels, shirt, blazer and make up. Eat something and just go. Don’t think about it just go!”
As I stood in the parking lot the social anxiety kicked in:
“what if people stares at me? What if they don’t think my clothes are appropriate for this? What if they start judge me? Fuck it, fuck it all, don’t think just go, if people looks at you its because you are pretty today, when you hand the résumé don’t look back to see what they did to it, just be polite, smile and wave. Smile and wave like those Madagascar penguins. You’ve got this, you’re confident today”.
I didn’t though just went there, handed over my résumé, told them I had full availability and got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I entered my car, changed my boots and though:
“Well this was easy. All that anxiety for nothing, girl you got this. But lets not do this again, shall we?”
And then I came home to my boyfriend who told me I looked happier today. It wasn’t a total lost today 🙂 …. UFFFFFFF, what a day!!!
This too shall pass!